| Love |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|07:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
It has been long long time since my previous entry. I know that I live more real than ever before. Yesterday’s event was a perfect case to prove how real I was and how human being I was. After S.R. told me that it was over between us, I was totally stoned by such shocking news. There was no sign of breaking up one-way or another. On Saturday morning, I woke up earlier and looked at his baby sleep face. I felt so fortunate to have such a great guy next to me. Life is so wonderful! I am so happy being with him. I was busy preparing my exam and he told me that he would call me later. Then, I waited, waited….I know that something went wrong. I felt desperate and tried to reach him. Finally, he told me the cool reality the next morning. I would never ever think that it would happen because we really love each other and we gave happiness to each other in the past few months. The feeling of love is so wonderful and so strong even though I was shy to admit. I love the fact of holding his hand and being hugged by him. Now, it is over. I could not hold my tears, but I am not going to try to hold, because I know that I am a human being, I let it out, and I love him wholeheartedly. The reason that I do not want to lose him is simply because he is a great guy and he makes me happy. In any case, whatever I portrait in the past would become a bubble dream and I have to let it go. It is really tough…. feeling the heart broken, hear being stopped, but in the end, I have to stand up on my feet and face the life myself. Winding back my history, I was too scared to lose and too scared to love somebody easily. As Fai mentioned, you got to love and feel about it at least once. I did this time, and I do not feel regrettable because I gave him what I can do. From the moment meeting him, the moment touching him the first time, the first kiss, the moment I held his hand tightly, the moment of hugging him, the moment of…so many, so many beautiful memories. It is never as real as today. I truly love him. On the other side, as a woman, I love him and I want him to be happy, not to suffer, whatever his choice was, I got to respect, wish him all the best and gratify for all the wonderful moments he shared with me. It is true that I realized how much I love and I care about him when I lost him….it is sad to feel that the bond is breaking and that dream is flying away. In any case, I am a strong woman, beautiful, kind, witty….I got a lot of qualities, I will have the man who love me dearly and who will spend his life with a great woman like me. I’ll not give up my capabilities of loving and giving. The sun shines everyday in my heart everyday….as Chinese proverb said “If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come.” Oct 9, 2006 |
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| Choice |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|04:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
The other day I was chatting with my best friend on the phone for nonsense stuff. Then she started to challenge me for some of choices that she does not understand and does not agree. Suddenly I went into silence because she is right and I do not want make the tough choice. I want somebody else to help me make the choice. I am waiting for so many years and I am still waiting. Because of the lingering time, we miss the moment of love, the moment of commitment, and the moment of happiness. Instead, with sadness, anxiety, and desperation, we fall into the endless struggling of choice. Nobody wants to make a clear cut due to the uncertainties. I am not exceptional, even too pragmatic to keep all the options open simply because I worry about hurting other people while in fact I am hurting in a much more profound level. I will let it go a little bit as I seriously do not know the answer and I do not want to make a rush decision. 07-01-2006 |
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| Pressure, Stress and Productivity |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|05:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
I have not been to Toastmaster Club for quite a while. The excuse I gave is that I am too busy with work and I do not have time to go to the club meeting. That is true. But meanwhile, I realized that I also began to lose my social life as I am into my work from morning to evening. Since I got my car, working hours can be extended so easily. On top of that, the work load is getting crazier. It makes me think that even though pressure is good to some extent, as positive motivation, however, the productivity does not always linear to the pressure. The pressure can turn into stress and then bring down the productivity. I got so burned on Wednesday. And then I went back home earlier and had a long nap. I must be exhausted after a long week working. Therefore, I got to slow down a little bit. The goal is to prioritize my time and work more efficiently. It is always good to realize where the problem is and try to resolve. Meanwhile, I shall not let TC go. I shall bring more speeches. 06-11-2006 |
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| Take the Shit |
[May. 30th, 2006|05:35 pm] |
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Recently, I have been taking four projects at the same time given that I am still a green program manager. One of the projects looks like a small monkey, and then it turned to be the most demanding project. I need to look into every detail that the previous program manager did not do properly. It is a hell! Customer wanted to have the shipment while I have to hold the shipment since the review has not been conducted. The operations manager complained and screamed at me for a proper explanation. I held myself very well. There is no point to argue and to blame somebody else. In the end, it is I to clean the shit. Therefore, I got to take the shit. I apologized for the inconvenience and asked him for more time. I guess that this is the way I resolve conflicts, honest, straightforward and goal oriented. In the end, I have to do all the work. All the hardship, roadblock, and obstacle I will go through will make me a better person. I will NOT give up. 05-30-2006 |
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| Salsa Night |
[May. 14th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
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Invited by Sven to go to see the Salsa show on Saturday, I had a good time in term of seeing such high level dancing. However, I noticed that one young lady who is in wheelchair sitting next to us was enjoying the music beat and dancing very much. I was amazed to see how happy she was. Her smile was so powerful. It made me think that we are such lucky people with healthy body and mind. I was so fortunate to work for one of most admired companies in the world. Not everybody has the same opportunity, even though they are competent. That lady really strikes me. She cannot walk. But it does not mean that she should be pessimistic or be negative. She is comfortable with who she is the status she has. Maybe this should be something we always should look at in life. Some details might be minor. To appreciate those minor details will give people more positive mind to think how fortunate we are and how we shall cherish we have everyday, food, cloth, heath, shelter, people I love and people who love me. 05-14-2006 |
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| The Corporate One |
[May. 2nd, 2006|02:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Last night, I chatted with one of my friends. He mentioned to me that I am too nice and too lenient, therefore, he does not perceive myself to be in the top rank in the corporate. At first, I was flattered that people tells me that I am nice. Then, I felt discomfort for such comments. Is it true that people must be the stereotype ones to be in the top? I challenged this conclusion. For me, my dream is to be a useful person for the society and the community. I like working on something that I am passionate and motivated. Regarding the power or the rank, is it that critical and important for me? My answer is NO. The last thing I will do is to lose myself in the hierarchy. Therefore, I am not going to argue with my friend whether he is right or wrong. I know myself more than anybody else. My dream comes from my heart deep. Since I did not have a role model when I was younger age, I might be a role model for somebody else. I want to bring the positive influence to other people. It is too narrow to look into the material things. In life, happiness and health are more important. To live a meaningful life is what I am doing and pursuing. No matter how life treats me, I shall keep moving, keep going and keep positive attitude. An interesting quote from Starbucks: “Our lives are inspired by the dreams we have from the earliest stages of our youth. When you combine passion and hard work, the success is always possible. While no road is ever straight, dedication and persistence will always lead you to your dreams!” – Cheer Up! 05-02-2006 |
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| Easter |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|02:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Finally, after a quite stressful working week, it was a perfect timing to take a break. Tempted by the desire from body deep, I shared some exciting moments with SR. I would never think that I could have such strong and profound desire in my body...I do not think that my brain is working well. I am almost certain that it must be the chemical element that works for my body and mind. In any case, except being a little bit tired, I was quite excited about the special moments...the strong desire and pleasure that rooted deep from my body. Deep down, I know that I may still judge myself for what I am doing and what I am involved in. Then, if I think about the life and time when I was in bad moment, what the heck...life is too short to think about all the results in advance. I guess that the best approach is to enjoy the moments. SR commented that what I did was not to please anybody, but to keen into my own pleasure. Maybe he is right, in the end, it is myself that I have to look after. The whole easter weekend was a total "lust" weekend and I was blessed for all the good time. Next week will be another busy week and I shall be prepared. 04-16-2006 |
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| About H's love |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|06:58 am] |
My heart got so heavy when I heard that she lighted the fire with her boyfriend. I was so worried ever since she started to date with him again. H. is such a wonderful person, and she wanted to give everything to the person she loves. However, not everybody treats her the same as she treats others. I just could not accept the fact that he can ride both...it is NOT fair for her at all. I hope that things will work out well..otherwise, she will forever leave him behind. I am not sure whether it is pure luck when you meet the right person. Or it is a matter of expectation and/or the way how you manage. To me, I always believe that love is not enough, and everybody should love himself or herself a little bit more. You can not count others to give you happiness. The happiness comes from internal body...the love of yourself and the passion of life.
Over the weekend, I went out with a bunch of previous colleagues. Everybody is changing. The shy person becomes more mature and more confident, attractive. They are happy to know my change as well. I went to electric avenue afterward with the girls. We had such good time. I overheard that "Electric Avenue" is also called "meat market"....cool!
I went a nice walk with S.R on Sunday afternoon along the river. It was very relaxing. I enjoyed the scene and the view of Montrea. It is a little depressing when I think that I will move back Asia soon. 04-03-2006 |
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| She is the man! |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|12:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I happen to find the title of a movie, called "She is the man!". I feel that it is quite a fit for my current situation. First, due to the effect of my medication, I really desire a lot more than I normall do. Therefore, as F. often mentioned that I am a "guy" in a sense. On the other side, the work I am doing now is to manage and to work with a bunch of guys, especially the tough guy in my team. He is so demanding, and take over my resources. Even though I was wise enough to have him as my project mentor, however, I still found that it is quite challenging to compete resources with him. I admire him as a great communicator and will learn from him not to be so "robot-like" man. One of my colleagues told me that I smile all the time. He does not know how ofen I feel frustrated for being a woman in the engineering team, and being a foreigner in a French-speaking team. I am proud that I can still keep positive and keep going, even the situation I really want to hit and scream at somebody. For example, I had a project review meeting today and found that we miss one critical component while the chief engineer is confident that we have everything in place. It will have impact on my schedule. Beside, I went through the old specification and found so many discrepancies. I have no idea how previous people managed this project. There is no documentation, no dudiligence work! In any case, I will spend quite some time to fix the specification and negotiate with client. It will not be easy, but I am ready to take the challeng. Additionally, another European project drove me nuts too. Until today, we realized that we miss a lot of data...nobody took the ownership to analyze the data. It looks I have a lot of work to do! Such is life :) 03-29-2006 |
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| Expectation and Commitment |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|12:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Last night, I talked with one of my best friends, M. for an hour around. He told me that he is quite happy with his career, but do not feel satisfied with the relationship with his girlfriend. I can sense the tension. It reminds me the similar situation I had before. Sometimes, it is not about the relationship, who is bad cop and who is good cop. It is a matter of expectation, commitment and priority. M. is busy with his EMBA study and his career is more important than anything. I do not think that he has any quality time to spend with his girlfriend. When people are lack of communication, the relationship will fall crack. Then the question is really about how to set the expection, and whether to commit. If there is no expecation, there would not be any strong bond and in the end, the relationship will turn to friendship or something else. In any case, the relationship is much more complicated, and is incomprehensible. I would rather leave the question to somebody who is the master of relationship. I just want to enjoy my everyday, and be happy with who I am. 03-29-2006 |
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| Busy |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|06:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
The work is becoming more and more hectic than before! What I can say is that I am so swamped! I got to learn how to manage my time more effectively and efficiently! I think that I can dedicate the load to the right people, more experience people and focus myself on the communication and planning side. However, due to my limited experience in this field, it is hard to ask the right questions and establish credibility when I have no idea of the basic knowledge. Therefore, I am still taking the learning curve and dive hard into study. I should be able to handle more projects after I complete T3 and T5 review. Actually, I will go through a T5 review in 3 weeks, which so far, I have no idea where to start. I will start to work on the new project Tomorrow.
Additionally, social life is getting busier too. I really like spending some time with the people I favor. I went dancing last night and I was quite impressed of myself. I could still remember the steps (to some extent). It is a good relaxing way to deal with the work pressure. I shall keep up with it. 03-27-2006 |
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| S.R |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|11:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Recently, I have been mingling with a very pleasant gentleman, S.R. I really do not care whether it is the impact of chemical compound or something else. I enjoy the companionship, enjoyment, happiness and pleasure that I have for the moment. It makes feel the source of spring, the vigor of my body and the sentimental touch of my mind, and my heart. The butterfly feeling haunted me for quite a while. My ego and my desire drive me off the roof. As Helen often mentions that life is too short to complain, to be upset, and you got to cherish what you have in life. In life, I met and will be meeting so many interesting people, and it is always nice to learn a little more about the others from different perspectives. S.R. is quite intelligent European man, with serious and mysterious look, very traditional, and gentle. He seems knowing what he wants in life. I am glad to have chance learning more from his life experience, especially operation field, which I have been trying so hard to get in, but never managed to have my feet in. All good, enjoy the moment, and enjoy what life gives you…. 03-23-2006 |
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| La Clemenza di Tito |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|11:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
I went to see an opera with Nancy on Monday night, La Clemenza di Tito, which was written by Mozart Wolfgang in the final year of his life, the same year he worked on his Requiem and The Magic Flute.
The story is about Titus, benevolent Emperor of Rome and about love, passion, jealousy, conspiracy, and clemency. I do not like the fact that Sesto and Annio were played by two women. The whole show was flat due to the lack of vocal variety and stage impact. But in general, I really enjoyed the music and was so touched by the melody written 200 years ago.
P.S. I also entertained Nancy on Monday night by telling her my stupid life events. She just could not believe that I could have the side of being wild, naughty and out of ordinary. I know how rigid I am…. 03-23-2006 |
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| Migratory Bird |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|03:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
Last night, I watched a movie called "Migratory Bird", which described a Chinese family in Canada. They migrated from Taiwan to Canada. The story is about love, passion and desire. One phrase I remembered very clearly is "Our body needs to be touched and to be caressed because it is hungry." It is totally true. While I enjoy being alone, being in control, but someimes, the urge and desire still make me think of something I do not have in life for the moment. It is the companionship, physical or spiritual. Since I moved to Canada, in life, I had the moment of being up and down. I learned from my experience, learned to protect myself and learned to disguise myself well. I develop full passion of my job and my future career prospect. Meanwhile, I also recognize that I resist the desire of letting real me out. I am a mirgratory bird and I always feel that I float, and feel that I do not belong to any place. Life is becoming more complex, when my emotional side of me comes out, not the engineering side. In any case, just some light comments...03/19/2006 |
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| Being Normal or Being Abnormal |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|02:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | good | ] |
Due to my health issue, I have been taking pills to reduce the size of a small tumor deep in my brain. However, because of the medication, the hormone level in my body is not stable and I suddenly found out that I got the human side of me, instead of the cool and control-freak me...I started to have feelings and have desires. Recently, I have been so grumpy and I even could not tolerate myself being up and down, roller coaster?? I talked with one of friends, and he said that I should celebrate my second puberty (due to the hormone since I did not have enough when I was teeager). I really should thank him for his advice, even though I was NOT listening at all. I should celebrate for a growing desire of man...of uncontrollable emotions or should I?
Hope the blue time could fly soon...I want "old" me to come back and I want to be myself again! |
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| NEW JOB |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|12:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
Today, I started my new job at the new company. What a great experience! I am the only woman in the team! It almost freaks me out since all the guys are so guys, bold, relentless and ambitious! I guess that some of them may speculate what I am going to do and how I can fight for resources in this team since already the managers are competing for resources. The head of department is also new. I guess that some of his proposals are not totally streamlined with the objectives. I am curious to find out how the conflicts will be resolved in the end. Meanwhile, I am bothered with French since most of them speak French in the meeting....:(....I shall find out how far I will improve. |
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| Issue Resignation Letter |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|01:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
Finally, it is time to quit the current job which I have been looking forward to for a long time. Yesterday, I submitted the resignation letter. My boss did not show any emotional change. I felt that I was the person to be blamed. In any case, it is good for change, for better changes. I will move on with my life. I need more challenges for sure! 01-10-06 |
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| Match Maker |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|12:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crazy | ] |
On Saturday night, I took Helen to FaiFai’s Toast Party. FaiFai is an archivist, a profession that I rarely heard in my circle. But he is a very nice gentleman and knows how to take care of other people. He reads a lot, and likes traveling. Faifai’s mom is a Japanese lady and Father is a French Canadian. Therefore, he can speak English, French and Japanese fluently. Helen is my best friend, whom I have known for 5 years. She is like a goddess: a kind, generous heart and a beautiful appearance, very chic and very sensual. She is a totally artistic person, a pretty good amateur photographer and an excellent writer. For some reasons, I feel that FaiFai and Helen might be a good match. Therefore, I passed Helen’s log and pictures to Faifai and invited Helen to come to the party. It seems smooth so far and I guess that Faifai will invite her for coffee when he is back from New York. I wish that there will be some chocolate stories between them. 08-09-05 |
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| Jonathan Livingston Seagull |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|04:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
Most seagulls do not bother to learn more than the simplest facts of flight – how to get from shore to food and back again. It is not flying that matters, but eating. But for Jonathan Livingston Seagull, more than anything else, he loved to fly. This kind of thinking does not make him popular with other birds.
Even his parents were dismayed as Jonathan spent whole days alone, making hundreds of low-level glides, experimenting. His mother asked “Why, Jon, Why is it so hard to be like the rest of the flock? Why do not you eat?” His father continued, “You must study food and how to get it. You cannot eat a glide. Do not forget the reason you fly is to eat.”
Jonath obeyed his parents’ order for a few days, but he was just not into it. He was off by himself again, far out at sea, hungry, happy and learning.
He started to practice speed diving. Unfortunately, Jonathan Seagull smashed down into the brick-hard sea. He felt that his body was so heavy, dragging him down. He heard a strange hollow voice. “There is no way around it. I am a seagull. I am limited by my nature. If I were meant to learn so much about flying, I’d have charts for brains. If I were meant to fly at speed, I’d have a falcon’s short wings, and live on mice instead of fish. My father is right. I must forget this foolishness. I must fly home to the flock and be content as I am, as a poor limited seagull.” He felt better for his decision to be just another one of the flock. There would be no more challenge and no more failure.
He was flying in the dark night. Suddenly, the hollow voice cracked in alarm “Seagulls never fly in the dark! Get down! If you were meant to fly in the dark, you’d have the eyes of an owl! You’d have a falcon’s short wings!” “Short wings, that’s the answer!” Jonathan murmured, “What a fool I’ve been. All I need is a tiny little wing, all I need is to fold most of my wings and fly on just the tips alone! Short wings” He forgot the poor limited Jonathan seagull. He practiced from 5000 feet in the air, flying at 250 miles per hour. He succeeded again and again. He was so delighted.
“There is a reason to life! We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill! We can be free! We can learn to fly!” His breakthrough shocked the Seagull Council. The elders said “Jonathan Livingston Seagull, stand to center for the shame!” Jonathan could not believe his ears. “Jonathan, you shall learn that irresponsibility does not pay. Life is the unknown and the unknowable, except that we are put into this world to eat, to stay alive as long as we possibly can.” Jonathan was cast out of seagull society. He was not sorry for the price that he had. It is a loss for other gulls who refused to believe the glory of flight and who refused to open their eyes and see. Jonathan believed that he would have a long fine life ahead.”
Later on, Jonathan learned more about himself and about happiness. He taught thousands of seagulls about purpose of flying, how to keeping finding themselves and how to fly without limits.
What does this story tell us? In face of hardship is when the biggest opportunities revealed themselves. Opportunity is not a random event; it arises as a direct result of circumstance and attitude. When you know exactly what you want, when you believe in yourself, and when you have a plan of action, the potential for opportunity and success on every level of your life becomes limitless. Anything is possible. Just like Jonathan Seagull, he was passionate about flying. He knew there is a lot more in life than just eating and keeping alive. He had the dream of flying faster and higher. He practiced and practiced, kept finding himself and raising the bar again and again. To him, sky is the limit. No matter how life treats you, how frustrating it could be, please do not lose faith of yourself. You can be just one of the Jonathans: live life to the fullest, life without limits. 08/02/2005 |
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| Native American told me to “go back to China” |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|12:06 pm] |
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This morning, on the way to work, one native American lady shouted at me, “Go back to your fucking country, go back to China, this is Canada!”. I know that she was drunk, but I still gave her my middle finger to show my anger. However, it made me think why these Native Americans are so drunk every day. They do not work, but beg for money on the street. They have apartments in downtown. Life is easy, but why?? In addition, back thousands years ago; I have the same ancestors as they do. They might be the first group of people to conquer and occupy this land. But until Europeans moved here, the massive civilization and industrialization of this land started to take in place. No doubt, the initial killing was brutal. It is sad that so many Native Americans died in the battles and diseases. In the end, they negotiated their rights with governments and they have their reserves and their lands. However, Native Americans became so isolated from other community and they have hard time to blend with the others. It reminds me “China”, where people are so proud of the civilization they had in the past, but forget to look beyond. There is so much to learn from different culture. Canada is a wonderful country which inspires me so much, meanwhile, I can still sense the subtle discrimination once a while. I do not think that this drunken lady truly hates me. She might get angry when she sees me happy every morning. In any case, life is still life. No matter where I am, I will maintain an open mind, listen, understand and learn. This is a great feeling! 07-27-2005 |
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